Yes, I know- its been a while.
Stupidity, once again, has brought me back- this time I am here to talk about my own.
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What the fuck is wrong with me? Hormonal shift? Has the medicine stopped working?
I totally broke down this evening. I would like to come up with a witty way to approach the subject, but I am afraid my wits have left me.
My greatest fear, lately, perhaps in the past year (maybe ever) has been failure.
If I fail to stay sober.
If I fail to stay awake.
If I fail to survive.
If I fail to make progress.
If I fail to succeed in educational fields.
If I fail to surpass the people that have failed me.
And whatever else.
So, I don't like to read the instructions, and that will be my downfall
I look at it and if it doesnt make sense to me after a few tries, I quit.
Well, not "quit", persay; more like shutdown.
I have spent a lot of my life trying to get out of the things that I am suppose to do, one way or another.
All ways manipulatively (is that how you spell it?)
If there is an illness for which that is the main symptom, add it to my list because I most definitely have it.
So recently (about the time I created this blog) I decided to change all that since it wasn't giving me much long-term satisfaction
For the past... 10 months that has worked out quite well. I keep to myself, bla bla bla, and it works nicely.
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Personally, I wouldn't want to be inflicted with my company most of the time
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With that territory came the emotionless, but content, person I was. Iritation was the only noticable emotion (mostly)
There are exceptions to the rule: visiting my father and this past week.
Everytime I have an emotional outburst (that being the kindest way I can phrase it) I realize that the person that I used to be is not gone whatsoever
She is waiting, patiently, for a time to completely fuck me over.
WELL SHE GOT IT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Maybe the gig is up.

Pick a number and So I can draw the line.

There are two counts of "lack of intelligence" I have encountered today.
The 2-year-old boy I babysat
And the 23 year-old boy I talked to on the phone.

In both relationships I am the adult.
In both relationships I can quit.
Why don't I?
If "lack of intelligence" is slightly intolerable to me in a child...
Why would I put up with it in a grown person?
Why do I stay? What is it about these people that causes me to stay?
Not that I am very committed in either count, and definitely not as more than a friend.
(let me go puke at the idea... ok better now)
I am mostly curious for future reference.

But I have come a world away from where I was. I don't want to thrive on the attention of anyone- I think I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees.
And that is a big problem. BIG. HUGE. Something to think about.

OR! Maybe I am extremely tired and need to go to bed before I worry myself subconsciously.

WORK IN PROGRESS ON AGE

some stupidity should be beaten with a stick until it forms a pool on the ground
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I babysat today. Me. Two little boys. At times it was a joy. Other times I thought about killing myself (never them. just me.) or scheduling an appointment for a hesterectomy.
Sterilize early.
They had great dogs though: two big Spaniels- Jaggar and Bianca. Nice names huh?
More will be written about the babysitting on another occasion.
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The stupidity I am refering to actually comes in adult form. 23: Male. Completely idiotic. Alcoholic, attributing to many of the mental "defects" but I am actually thinking that it is something beyond genetics or diseases that infects this particular type of stupidity.
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This is partially why I want to be a psycholgist, though it seems more fitting to be a doctor who preforms genetic screening prebirth. Let's stop it before it starts.
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See this kind seems to be something that you learn along the way; childhood. The root of all beliefs that become concreted into a tiny little head and then grow up to be a full sized person as goodlooking and twisted as Ted Bundy.
Now, I have some experience in being self-obsessed and indulging in behavior that could very well kill me or at least permanently damage me... but I would like to think that one might have the possibility of growing out of such behavior before, oh let's say, MID 20'S!!
Most likely that would occur- you would learn that the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs through developing empathy or some shit like that- but that would require a couple of elements:
1. Having responsibilities (clean your room, wash your hands... go to school, go to work, get a 2nd morgage on the house) gradually put upon you during the course of your life to ensure that you can become a self-sufficent adult.
2. Acquring the realization that you are, infact, NOT the only person in the universe.
3. You would have to realize the particular behaviors, for each stage you go through, that will not benefit you.
(when you are young this means don't run barefoot because you might fall and crack your head open. later may develop into don't eat chili or might get heartburn.)
And whatever else.
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What happens when these (and other) elements DO NOT occur in a person's life?
You don't want to know

Kids for Cash

So N and I went up to the Inland Empire today; mainly to do some shopping.
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I've been up since 5:27 am or something (which would make this a long mother-fucking day)
But its been good.
I was developing this whole witty post about shopping... and its likeness to masturbation. But I can't seem to form it into anything right now.
Pink Floyd: Have a Cigar
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So we shopped. Went up and got out of the house contract. Drove by a few assisted living places in Corona for my grandparents. Nothing impressive. Errr. I guess that's it.

Tomorrow I start a babysitting gig (lol... gig.) 2 boys: 3 and 6.
That's right: your's truly will be on diaper duty from 9 am- 2 pm. And I am the one that set this up. And I am looking forward to it. How about that?

The kids were lucky enough to have been born to a well to-do family in Newport Beach (think pool, trampeline, large enough lot to have either LET ALONE both).
I was lucky enough to have a housemate that works with their mother (gorgeous woman too). So wha-lah! That's how I got asked
1. If I know how to change a diaper. *believe it or not I said I was WILLING to LEARN. Holy shit*
2. If I minded young children, specifily boys. *who, if they are anything like their mother, will be sharp as a tack and grow into hunky men that will make girls swoon- in the future of course*
3. If I would be willing to hang out in a huge house in Newport Beach for 6 hours.
Peachy!

The closer it gets to tomorrow morning the more I wonder when I will snap out of it and claim to be sick.
Just like old times.
But I don't think that is going to happen. I am trying to be... willing.