so... what the hell am i suppose to do? i am afraid that if i keep taking the adderhal, it could become a nasty habit, something could go terribly wrong. if i don't take it, obviously i am going to be pretty damn useless. the thing is that i am feeling very... stabbed. i feel very stabbed. my stomach is the suffering the worst. i just want to go to sleep and wake up and have all of this never happened. i want someone to wake me up and tell me that its all over now and i dont have to worry anymore. honestly, nothing is worth giving up my sobriety. the only reason i have anything that means anything to me whatsoever is because i am sober. without it one thing stacks upon another, and so on, until it is one huge mess, with lies, and guilt, and no one to trust me. no truck, no diploma, definitely no licence, no door on my room. someone please tell me that if i go to sleep i can go to heaven and i wont have to worry about this anymore because it is so much and i want the nerves to die out already. and my lungs hurt, like when you've been running in the cold, because i am really terrified and smoking a lot. it would be nice to be home, to go back to a month ago, and just... well, i dont know, do something.
i consider, sometimes in the past day 1/2, putting myself into rehab. just to stop it before it starts. punish myself. because i didn't have to lie. well, not punish myself, but save myself... from myself, from all of this. and stop worrying and not have anything that i must think about.
and it would be nice to go back to a month ago because i would still be able to trust myself and i would feel like there is at least more of a chance for me.
really, i cant say why i lied at first. because i didn't take them with the intention of getting high and if they thought that, everything in the past eleven months would be stricken from the record and i would have to start back with the most degrading number. one.
and i felt so sick. more in a mental way than a physical way.
and i wanted to wake up. i know i didnt do anything wrong, except everything that counts or that i have been trying hard to change, so maybe i will feel better when i get a lot of sleep because i dont think that i can trust myself for a long long time now.
even though i dont have to start at day one again, i really am having to start over, like having two broken legs and not being able to walk because you know it could really really hurt. so you stay down and hope that the shooting pain will stop and then you will try and get up.or maybe its that i have two broken legs and they really hurt but i am getting up anyway because i am really all alone and i need to walk and find help or something worse might happen to me while im laying there. because even when you are on fire you never just drop to the ground. you will still burn. you have to roll around and i know that sounds so stupid and doesnt go well with anything else that i have typed.
so just try to stay with the broken legs. because i know they are broken and i know that i am still alive and that they will heal, and the skin isn't broken, just bruised. but what if i walk and the skin breaks. and i dont heal. but i know that isnt how it will happen with me. but i have told people, like chris, that you cant put yourself in that situation, ever because it will weaken your resolve and you will gradually get weaker and then your legs break but you are already too weak to get up and walk.
so that's why i dont want to not punish myself because then my resolve will be weakened. and next time i might be too frail to save myself. and also i have done pretty much everything on my own in the past eleven months and then this happens and you know what? i physically felt it all slipping away. of course it wasn't. its still here, but that is what it would feel like. and just like that, its one mess up and everything, school... that would be it for school, i wouldnt be able to do it anymore, and family... the trust, oh god the trust... and everything i think i have earned... like a licence and a door and respect, at least some, and a truck. because i might have stuck with a lie and done it again, and then even though i would still have all that stuff they would be an empty victory.
and being sober is the most amazing gift i have given myself and i dont know how to go on because i have really let myself down
i mean really scared myself
and i am questioning it all, all of it. not staying sober, i know i want to do that.
but i dont know if i can get up. i dont know if i can finish school. i took a real bad blow from this, so self-inflicted that i am silenced with... not disgust, more like angry pity.
think domino effect.
i try not to use the "g" word, for one reason or another. i dont want to read this later and shut out what it says because i talked about religion.
so i feel myself laying on damp pavement in the cool weather in the evening. the sun is probably going down. and i just lay there, like someone will walk up and draw a chalk outline of me.
and i know, i really do, that i have to get up. i have to get up. and i tell myself that and my stomach falls out; you cant forget, never forget. in a whisper to myself.
truly, i believed that i would never feel these feelings again. maybe for a heartbreak or a death. never for this.
yes, the pavement, like i had fallen from the sky, because it was only the pavement and then trees, like arkansas. with my head to the side and my lips moving, saying something to myself, maybe a prayer
and just a few, tears, one by one in their time.
and thats all.
maybe that was my dream last night.
so i have to get up, isnt that what happens next? of course it is.
its like "J"; it gets farther away with time, hurts less each day, and gradually moves into the distance so you can breath out. then after a long time you see how crazy you were to be so emotional.
so we will have to see if the girl on the pavement can rise. or if there are other injuries we have yet to find out about.
