Quote from my brother

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid..." -Epictetus

Eneagram Results: What do ya think?

The Individualist
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type:
Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Healthy: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.
Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.
At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.
Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.
Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.
Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.
Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".
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Here are the various scores:

Type 1: The Reformer: 4

The Rational, Idealistic Type:
Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective
Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced
Enneagram One with a Nine-Wing: "The Idealist"
Enneagram One with a Two-Wing: "The Advocate"

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Type 2: The Helper: 3

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:
Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved
Enneagram Two with a One-Wing: "Servant"
Enneagram Two with a Three-Wing: "The Host/Hostess"

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Type 3: The Achiever: 4

The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type:
Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

Basic Fear: Of being worthless
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile
Enneagram Three with a Two-Wing: "The Charmer"
Enneagram Three with a Four-Wing: "The Professional"

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Type 4: Above

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Type 5: The Investigator: 5

The Intense, Cerebral Type:
Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable
Basic Desire: To be capable and competent
Enneagram Five with a Four-Wing: "The Iconoclast"
Enneagram Five with a Six-Wing: "The Problem Solver"

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Type 6: The Loyalist: 3

The Committed, Security-Oriented Type:
Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
Basic Desire: To have security and support
Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"
Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"

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Type 7: The Enthusiast: 5

The Busy, Fun-Loving Type:
Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content — to have their needs fulfilled
Enneagram Seven with a Six-Wing: "The Entertainer"
Enneagram Seven with an Eight-Wing: "The Realist"

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Type 8: The Challenger: 5


The Powerful, Dominating Type:
Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others
Basic Desire: To protect themselves
(to be in control of their own life and destiny)
Enneagram Eight with a Seven-Wing: "The Maverick"
Enneagram Eight with a Nine-Wing: "The Bear"

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Type 9: The Peacemaker: 1

The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:
Receptive, Reassuring Agreeable, and Complacent

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation
Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"
Enneagram Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"
Enneagram Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"

Dad Called

Today dad called in the afternoon and told me about starting chemo.
Will copy pages from green journal that I wrote at the time.
-K

Some Personal Survey: LAYERS (ooh la la)

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Katie
Birth date: September 29, 1988
Birth place: Fayetteville, Arkansas
Current Location: Irvine, CA
Hair Color: Brown
Righty or Lefty: Lefty

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Welsh, English... white.
Shoes you wore today: Sandals
Your weakness: Indecision, lack of concentration, driver's side rear tire low on air
Your fears: waiting too long to speak, saying shit I don't mean, dying alone, leaving this world with regrets
Your perfect pizza: Canadian Bacon

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase: mine? sir, satan, fuck, but yea, and I don't know
Your thoughts first waking up: shit, what time is it?
Your best physical feature: eyes maybe... not my boobs, that's for sure.
Your bedtime: when I can't stay awake anymore: 11pm-2:30am probably
Your most missed memory: life at 825 Woodlawn dr., that whole era.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger king?: McDonald's
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton Ice Tea
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: yes
Cuss: fuck yes
Single: ...uh huh
Take a shower: definitely
Have a crush: nope.
Think you've been in love: no
Want to get married: eventually, sounds nice. today, no.
Believe in yourself: to some degree
Get motion sickness: never
Think you're attractive: ha, only occasionally
Think you're a health freak: hmm... shower v. smoking... not really. I like to brush my teeth though.
Get along with your parents: mostly
Like thunderstorms: more than you can possibly know

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: no
Gone on a date: huh... no.
Gone to the mall: yes
been on stage: no
eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
Eaten sushi: yes
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: nope
Gone skinny dipping: no

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes, more than once
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes- they called it "Katie at age 13, 14, and 15"
Been caught "doing something": don't think so, actually.
Been called a tease: yes
Gotten beaten up: no

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: when I am truly ready.
Number of Children: right now, none.
Describe your dream wedding: very small. St. Catherine's in Arkansas. simple.
How do you want to die: ready for it.
What do you want to be when you grow up: clearer on what I want to be- I like writing but so do a lot of people. Then I guess, I like sociology/psychology... we'll see.
What country would you most like to visit: Italy.

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: doesn't matter
Best hair color?: prefer dark
Short or long hair: probably short
Height: same or taller than me.
Best first date location: specifics, damn. no.
Best first kiss location: formalities aside, on the lips.

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: aside family, probably 2
Number of CD's I own: fuck if I know- not too many.
Number of piercings: none- miss tongue piercing most.
Number of tattoos: none
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper: shit, for school related stuff a lot but years ago.
Number of scars on my body: who counts? rhetorical. major scars, only a few.

Sneaker Pimps - Tesko Suicide

Phone me and I'll hang up
Sick and tired of being bubble gum chewed up
Dark lane, bleak house shrinking rose, You're over and out
Tie a cherry bootstring, put your candy teeth in
Choking on a sweetheart, hang up, hang up, hang up

Go on girls - solo,
Go on girls - take a chance,
Go on girls - trust it,
Go on girls - the truth is ...

Cut your hair wear a chip on your shoulder
Get ahead, get laid, get it over
Cheap show, back seat martyr's pose, you're over and out
I'm checking out of my senses, buying best defences
Putting on the trousers, hang up, hang up, hang up

Go on girls - solo,
Go on girls - take a chance,
Go on girls - trust it,
Go on girls - the truth is ...
So so ... Single ... So low ... The truth is ...

You want the day to fit to a soundtrack
Get a story get a life and get back
You've got nothing to shout about
You're over and out

I'm checking out of my senses, Buying best defences
Fired up on free-will, hang up, hang up, hang up

Go on girls - solo,
Go on girls - take a chance,
Go on girls - trust it,
Go on girls - the truth is ...
So so ... Single ... So low ... The truth is ...
So so ... Single ... So low ... The truth is ...

Dream: had a dream that I was at some camp or something, there because TBH was there and we were hanging out bla bla bla.
Anyway, I woke up late one morning- I think the third morning I was there- and he was coming out of the shower with some girl who was grinning and wrapped in a towel.
Not sure what I said, know I asked if they had been fucking all along and in her tan towel, she shook her head no and kept smiling this brainless smile. I said but you did today and she didn't do anything but smile so I was like okay. fine.
I know I got my stuff and left... then at home I think I thought I didn't want to give up on it after all and leave him there alone to fuck her some more... might have picked up my coat and headed out the door and then I woke up.
Bastard. Infiltrating my dreams. Shall I take it that, like others before it, this one has some meaning in this life and our future interactions? Fuck off.
I said my tidbits of fate should be through at this point. There are no more special encounters and dreams that turn to reality in one form or another or signify something about him in actuality. I think that's correct.
You're over and out.

Progress Quote

"Progress results from persistence with purpose"
- Frank Tyger


for later:
what is the result of persistence without purpose (ei. dull quarters)?
what is the result of purpose without persistence (ei. school work, gym, getting job)?
well, no progress, of course, but elaborate.

Fog Surrounds Paradise

"I could seriously look out at this all day..." she said

Candles in the Bathroom

Candlelight Shower

So, I have two years sober today.
Thought I might prepare some sort of speech. I don't know, something.
What it was like, what happened, what is like now.
What it was like: I wasn't a nice person. At all.


What happened: My world was crashing down- I was losing my friends, bombing out of school which I didn't often attend, I had a nice list of misdemeanors racked up... I was falling apart. My head was getting pretty weighty and I had to run some damn direction to keep from losing my mind in addition to everything else. My family didn't trust me for obvious reasons, I was down to a room without a door, it was public knowledge I had relapsed- for the first time in my drinking career, I blacked out and woke up in restraints in the hospital, my mom looking extremely distressed by my side. But I kept drinking and, eventually, blacked out again- woke up puking in the basement of my father's house, great daughter.
Great friend because pretty much every time I got arrested, I brought someone down with me. I lied because I could, because I didn't know what I had lied about and what lie I needed to keep up. I manipulated people because I didn't want to end up alone, because misery loves company, because it was nice to be in control of someone. Power for the powerless.
But the end came because everything was adding up- and I would have kept drinking and popping coricidin for a long long time... except the speed broke me first. I started smoking speed which I knew I would do eventually- hell, which I hoped I would do eventually. Out of boredom, curiousity, insanity, whatever, I had started crushing up whatever various pills I found around my or anyone else's house and snorting them. Practice was what I considered it.
Did that for a while until I figured I was far enough down to move on to something harder. Started smoking speed when there was a pipe and snorting it when there wasn't. And I hated it. I hated being up all night- I was so fucking tired, sitting on the floor of my room having removed everything from every drawer and starting to organize it... and thinking to myself, looking at the damn mess; what the fuck am I doing? Holy shit... this is nuts. And then I organized everything and snorted some more speed that wasn't actually mine and I would never give any indication of having stolen.
I skipped school more and more. I lied more. I was so damn strung out.
Drank when I was able, saved up lunch money to buy triple C because I had gotten caught too many times in the grocery stores.
Smoked some speed and was just fucking gone. So tired, I knew I was crazy, my jaw hurt because I compulsively popped it, and I had pretty much fucked every relationship to the point of scaring my friends off and exhausting the people who had to stay with me- my family.
Snorted more of someone else's speed and sat on my bed in the middle of the morning, a school day- I was home rather than at school- and thought how much I hated speed, how it made me miserable, decided I would never use it again without meaning it for a split second... and then I thought of all the occasions, though, that I would use it again, where it would be appropriate and surely I wouldn't be so miserable, looked over at the tape player I hid the little bag of speed in and wondered how much was left...
For the first time I truly knew and understood that I was addicted. I had said it before and had some vague idea of what it meant, went through rehab and said yadda yadda yadda but it didn't really hit me.
I sat on that bed looking at the sun coming through the blinds and knew I was out of control, absolutely insane. I hate it and I already know I am going to use it again, probably in a few hours. And I understood what it was to be an addict. I knew it, once I got to that point there was no doubt in my mind- it fit too well to doubt.
I sat there and the situation was very bad... but, here's the thing: I was intrigued- a new disease, with new symptoms- figured I could make it beneficial rather than a burden- a whole new batch of excuses and I loved excuses. Excuses to compulsively use drugs, relapse, whoops, what do you expect. Excuses to get out of the things I am expected to do.
Sitting on that bed, insane, strung out, miserable, I was planning how I could twist, turn, manipulate my new ailment to my advantage. I didn't plan on quitting- I had finally gotten low enough to slip under every expectation and reality- now, maybe just for a while longer, I would be able to drown in whatever vice I chose, smoke speed- hell, maybe something stronger because I had been curious about cocaine, asking around a bit- what an interesting revelation.
No, addiction isn't bad- well, you know, not really at least- its the perfect excuse to fuck up even more. That's what my brain did.
Decided I would finish off the speed, had some coricidin left that I scraped the coating off then crushed and snorted, ditched school... thought I'd wait it out for a dry spell when I couldn't get more drugs or alcohol and then swoon and admit my distress and milk it.
There was a different, divine plan though.
In getting in deeper, the people around me finally refused to follow me down. When I went to school, I was alone in so many ways that at that point, I could hardly stand it. I kept using, ditching, being flatout mean when I was around them... So now, my last source of influence was gone and I was completely weak. Fuck. Something had to give. Not feeling so good about my plan now. Thinking its getting really miserable and my jaw hurts. I'm insane. What the fuck am I doing.
The speed was gone and I left class, walked the campus a few minutes and everything was so gray. Nowhere to go but I walked off anyway.
Where am I going? Fuck fuck fuck. Where the hell am I going? This is insane. I'm insane. I don't know what I'm doing. Fuck.
Stopped in the middle of a field just down the street and, shit, what now?
Someone help me. I didn't pray to God then. I asked my great grandmother for help. I believe she watches over me, I had been writing to her for a month or so and I knew she would guide me... and I knew how much she valued family.
So I called my mom. I was out of speed. Thank God, I was out of speed. And did I seriously just think that? Yes, I did. I did.
I walked back to the school, sat in the front and cried some, waiting for my mom to pick me up, trying not to think about what I would say.
And she came, concerned and I didn't think of it as over-bearing for the first time in a long time but that she really cared and I was so relieved because there wasn't anyone else.
I know I cried a lot and told her about the speed and I don't know what all.
Driving home everything was still gray but I kind of started to think that maybe I remembered the sky being blue and I was 13 again. I'm an addict. I'm an alocholic.
I knew those things- it was more difficult admitting I was powerless even though I know it was true. I thought I could be give control to a higher power AND keep my joint roller. It was difficult to fully give up everything.
And it was a very gradual process: first, practically giddy and smiling my butt off, I cleaned out the pill wrappers, Ace of Spades I used to cut lines, the empty bottles in my closet, the torn paper from the bible tried unsuccessfully to roll joints with- never burned well, even my joint roller went in the trash.
Did cut ties with all my friends which wasn't too hard for them because I was such a burden really. Deleted the phone numbers off my cell, stopped going to the grocery store where I often saw them, actually avoided the areas entirely where they hung out... but this took time.
Everything took a little time.
I didn't start this intending to live the rest of my life without getting fucked up but now, 2 years later I cannot imagine my life any other way- I cannot imagine not being sober, I will not ever see another day in this life any way but sober and every day you can add one more day I have been clean. So help me God or Gran or Jesus, the higher power that has brought me here. now. and if nothing is pointless, everything has a meaning than I am here with 2 years today for a reason- it is for a reason far greater than I am able to understand, question, or disrespect. Every day I have more and more reasons to stay sober- there is far too much to lose, more and more each day. And it would not make me happy. This makes me happy.
What's it like now?
Well, I could tell you that I have been to Las Vegas, San Francisco, on two cruises, rode horses in Colorado and watched the snow heading in over Pike's pass, went up to Big Bear in the winter and had a good time absolutely legally; have gone on two roadtrips- I have a door now that I never lock, a license, truck, laptop, new room that isn't purple, all the nice things... but that's material stuff isn't it. Really, its not the most important.
I have good grades, very much like and respect my teachers, and am not nearly as mean I hope. I'm 17 and if I get my ass to the gym, I will start college in the fall.
Still, that's not the best part.
I have earned back the trust of my family, I enjoy spending time with my grandparents, I have a very sweet and lazy dog, its all very pleasant and positive.
But still, that isn't the best part.
You want to know what's great?
Being willing to unload the dishwasher, to share my writing with my family, decorating doors and mirrors for special occasions- getting quotes from my mom in the mornings and the daily "just seeing how your doing" phone calls; David cooking dinner and the family eating together including CJ, the history channel or CSI or poker always being on the TV when I come downstairs; seeing you guys happy and not exhausted or miserable... smiling at David and him smiling back and thinking that I very truly love and like this person and being so appreciative that he is here; being able to go on a cruise with you guys and have a really good time,

Irony and Symbolism in Macbeth...

I was thinking of the irony and symbolism in Macbeth, starting to understand it better.
On one hand, palm up, what appears to be and on the other hand, palm up, what really is.
So then, perhaps because its 3:40 in the morning and bla bla bla, I started thinking: what is the irony and symbolism of my little situation that developed quite rapidly.
What appears to be, from watching us and our physical motions, you would think we are quite similar, quite alined, quite compatible. What really is, is that other than physically we are absolute opposites and a rather startling pair, even to just be playing.
That's what I think is the irony.
The symbolism? Ah, I figure the way we play and kiss. It tells everything. I say he can touch me and move me except where is considered inappropriate because I will abide by that for my own sake.
Even more is the way we kiss- I say that no move he makes can possibly break me and cause me to open my mouth and embrace him- that he can do as he wishes but I will never allow him to get inside me, try as he may. That is everything.
But I suppose I lied. Because I cracked. And for that one thing I am sorry most. Because that is compromising- that isn't innocent play. It is suggestive in a very blatant way and not how I want to leave. Not that I wanted to leave. Ei, if I don't carefully check my head it could get bad.
I am fully aware I must not be the first to speak. I need to know where he stands. Do I feel jealous at the prospect of his releasing me and meandering over to another girl and taking her or she taking him?
Strangely enough, no. I am not jealous. Its very odd and comforting that I have no reaction.
I don't retract my words or my affection, only that I parted my lips.
And I will not be the first to talk- because sentiments are expressed in how quickly they must be spoken. It was left vague and absolutely where it should have been.
So then I am not sure how he thinks of me- we talked little- and more curious about that unknown as the night passes.
Will I be disappointed if I do not hear from him? Will I return to the same state of submissive next time we do end up together? No. Simple as that.
Because in all my games, I must remember who I am dealing with and who I am.
He has just over a week sober (I doubt that) and he has slept around (a fact). This is not someone clean and trustworthy coming to me and kissing me well. As though I can't see his neck and know there is at least one other, quite aggressive girl who has his attention. And as though I can't speculate that any attraction to me would make him sacrifice the affection of another who came before and whose mark is clear. No, when I think of that I get a sour taste in my mouth over this all. Not jealousy, not regret- just unpleasant and even more eager to see and hear his reaction to me after being apart, to mentally calculate the pleasure in what he's willing to offer and the displeasure in descending to such and make a decision.
Yes, if I gain any less than a real attraction, physical and otherwise both, than I will take away my affection. Done deal. I am prepared to do that.
We will never know until I get a reaction. If I get a reaction. And if it even matters to us at that point. All speculation.
I've said who he is, now who am I? I have almost two years sober and I am damn loyal- I have not slept with anyone and I have shown myself capable of restraint. In regards to relationships, I think I have learned from my mistakes- that I will not cheat or lie and I am willing to be satisfied. Most importantly, I won't chronically break up with someone. I've grown up a bit. Did I mention I've been sober almost two years?
That's the most dangerous difference; that he has about a week sober, give or take, and is still not convinced to stay that way and I have two years on the 19th. Thus I am cautious.
I meant what I said- that I like kissing him.
I believe what he said- that my kisses are addicting.
And I would be excited if this fucked up, doomed, sequel, highly sexual mess of a relationship worked out further. Because I do like kissing him. And I think we agree that "Mondays were made for this". Ei, we shall see.
What's done is done. Now I quit this and work on Macbeth, get my work done and successfully.
Live my life. Make my calls, read my books, write my bullshit, drive my truck, smoke my cigarettes, sing The Eagles, drink a bunch of caffeine. Beautiful. Solidify what I know to be the deepest truth: I like my life, with or without anyone in particular.
I'm going to do what I want and I stand by what I said once again: that I would never make him do anything he didn't want to do.
Hehe. Lovely.
I'm good with me so I am just gonna do that.